It was a tired I never knew. A weariness that was so powerfully exhausting. I wondered how I was going to do this life. I had cried out for God to spare me, spare my family, my precious children from this. It was over. We were over.
I was living a lie. I believed in an A+B=C relationship with God.
A= I do good, follow the rules. Be a good dad, hard worker, and do the right things.
B= God does his role, I am good so he is good back to me
C= a good life. No major crisis or pain.
For the last 5 years, we’d experienced financial devastation, sexual assault, major medical issues and thier major bills that follow, and emotional turmoil as a result of these things seemingly happening one after the other.
According to my formula, I was doing “A” but “c” the good easy life wasn’t happening, so that left my mind to believe that “B” was what was messed up. I was following the rules. But crisis after crisis continued. So I checked out and decided listening to God wasn’t worth it.
Abbe: I knew something was wrong. He was distant. I felt like I no longer could connect or see light in his eyes. It was the eve of a painful anniversary. I hated writing that date down. I couldn’t sleep. Surely the unsettling feeling was the day that we hated to recall. Someone hurt our child, and nothing was done about it. So I prayed, the only thing I know to do when pain like that rears its ugly head. “I bet this anniversary is hard on him. That’s why he’s so distant.” I reasoned.
Go check his phone.
What? I questioned that I was hearing God so audibly.
“Just help him. Show him your love, God.”
God answered my prayer. Immediately. And I checked his phone. God showed my husband his love, by using me to bring his darkness into light.
And it tore me apart. We separated.
Then on a Sunday, I dragged myself to a new church I had been visiting, Journey the Way. Adam showed up too. I could hardly sit by him. Broken, torn to pieces we heard the gospel. In a way our whole Christian lives had never experienced.
We were done. But God was not.
Welcome to our story. A story that will be penned over time here, on this blog. When Our Repurposed Life was started, we had NO idea how true that title would become to us. A few months ago, Pastor Chad preached on Grace. And by that Grace we shared what the past year looked like for us. We are scared. But it’s a holy, God appointed scared. I know someone needs to know that even though you are done, God is not.
B= Christ grace
C= grace upon grace upon grace
the truth is setting us free.
Dollfamily5@gmail.com if you would like to comment privately.